BioShock Explained from a Moron's Point of View
by Atomic Cube
Summary: My plane crashed... But I've found land. How very mysterious. Rapture... Wow, an underwater city so... OH EM GEE IS THAT A WHALE? I'll write more if people like it.
1. This is the part where I soil myself

A/N: Dude, I just played the demo for the PS3. But this game made me pee. Told from a clueless person's POV.

"OH MAN LOOK AT THAT WHALE!" I pressed my face up against the cool glass. "It's so cute!"

The pod I was traveling in lurched forward. I slid off of the glass and hit the floor. I quickly leapt to my feet and brushed my shirt off. My pod started moving up, passing slowly over various colorful signs. I surfaced into a dark room. My pod was completely still now, but the foggy glass shield remained tightly shut. "Dude... This sucks." I was about to doodle a smiley face with my finger when suddenly, I heard a man whimper. His silhouette was clear and defined to me now, he was... backing up?

There was something behind him, a blurred figure. It was crouched and slowly approaching the man. I heard begging. "Please... Don't kill me!" The figure ignored his pleas and shot forward, slicing the man through the stomach. "AUUGH!" He screamed in agony and the thing shoved him against the glass of my pod and drove his blade deeper into his gut.

With a disgusted snarl, it hurled the man out of sight. I heard the splashing of water as the man landed. I didn't hear him get up. The thing remained there, just inches of cool glass separating me from IT. I moved my hand to scratch my butt, which was ITCHY AS HELL. The thing flinched and growled deeply when it heard my fingernails scratch against my tender flesh.

"Is it someone new..." It cooed softly, gently laying it's bloodstained hand on the glass. By this point I was about to piss myself. My face contorted as I tried to suppress my calls for mother. The creature leapt out of sight after a couple moments of silence. I sighed and continued to scratch my butt in satisfaction. "Wooo... Now I can -"

"RAGH!" I heard a sudden clanking at the top of my pod. "HOLY CRAP!" I screeched. "It's trying to get in!" I tried to steady my vision as I stared intently in the direction of the continuous noise. The noise grew louder and louder. My pod started the bust. "SWEET HOLY HELL! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHGGGGG! I DON'T HAVE A WEAPON! NYAAAAHHAAA!" I started hyperventilating at sparks showered down from my poor pod. The clanking stopped, and I saw the thing leap away in disappointment. "Oh shit... That was scary." I looked down and realized that I had soiled myself.

"_...Jack...Jack?"_

I heard a voice next to me. "WHO IS THAT?" I whirled around and saw that it was only a radio. "Oh.. scared me for a minute." My glass doors opened. The stale cold air rushed in to meet me.

"Aw man. That's messed up. DID YOU NOT SEE WHAT HAD HAPPENED A FEW MINUTES BEFORE?!" I cried, grabbed the radio, and shrunk to the back of the pod. "Radio, help me!" I stroked the radio and prayed.

_"Jack, I'm going to get you out of here."_

"RADIO! Thank you." I sobbed. "For this I am forever grateful."

_"Take a deep breath and step out."_

"Hell no radio, get your rescue team in HERE. I ain't goin' out there."

_"Don't worry, I'm not going to leave you dangling in the wind."_

"Thanks, but could you come get me?" My radio was unresponsive. "Radio?" My radio didn't answer. "Awh man."

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0

I ran out of the pod screaming, jumping, and lashing my arms out in all directions. "Back! Back the hell up! I'M INSAAANE!" I slipped on a puddle of water and hit the ground. It was completely silent. I rolled across the floor and onto drier land. "Okay radio... It's good. It's all good." Cautious and without courage, I lifted myself off of the ground. "Hah! This is nothing!"

"I'm gonna wrap you in a sheet..." I heard a voice echo off the walls.

"This totally sucks." I patted my radio and advanced into the darkness.

A/N: Please no corrections. It was hard to remember the demo.


	2. Pointy objects and flaming couches

A/N: I finished the game last week. Pretty awesome, NUMBER TWO ANYONE?

The teaser trailer made me cry. I want to play sea of dreams. DX I might skip a few things mentioned in the demo, not to worry though, I'm still continuing it.

_"My daddy's smarter than Einstein, stronger than Hercules, and can light a fire with just his finger! Are you better than my daddy mister?_

"Damn it!" I whirled around with a bag of stale potato chips in my hands. "That's like, the third time it's said that! My self esteem is taking some serious damage here!"

"_Hahh... It's a gatherer's garden, you're supposed to go up there! "_

I scarfed the rest of my potato chips down. "It's at the top of this huge flight of stairs! Why do I have to? I've been taking splicers on fairly well." I wiped my nose in triumph and waited for Radio Man to respond.

"_It makes you stronger! And by the way, you totally suck at handling splicers. You screamed like a baby and ran when they kicked that flaming couch at you. Then you waited an hour until they eventually got bored and left. Now, would you kindly go up to that gatherer's garden?"_

_"_Fine fine." Unable to argue anymore, wearily dragged myself up the flight of stairs. "Okay, okay, is... is it this thing?" I picked up what later turned out to be called a plasmid.

"_Yes. Now would you kindly shoot it into your wrist!"_

"....What the hell? No way! I hate pointy objects!" I glared at the plasmid with hatred. Somehow it ended up in my wrist anyway, and I watched in horror as the red liquid was slowly pumped into my veins. My vision started to blur, and everything became warm and painful.

"Auugh! What the... What's happening!"

_"Hold still, your genetic code is being rearranged. So just-"_

"REARRANGED?! AHHH! I flung myself off of the flight of stairs and onto the ground. The last thing I heard was Atlas's voice fading away.

_"Okay, see? You deserved that. That's exactly the opposite of what I meant by 'holding still'... Since when does 'holding still' mean chucking yourself off of a flight of stairs? Gawd..."_

"Wow... Radio Man... You're just... a bitchy little girl today, eh?" My vision quickly faded. I was out cold.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o0o0o0o0o0o0

Through the endless darkness, my sight began to come back. Everything was still a blur, but I could hear voices. Two splicers approached me... man they were UGLY. And for some reason, they were calling me 'little fish'. Suddenly, the ground rumbled beneath me and the splicers fled like the chickens they were.

"Rrrgghhh..." Something huge and metallic appeared in the corner of my eye. Scared out of my wits, I closed my eyes back up and soiled my self again.

A/N: Yush, rushed ending. More coming up, I hope.


	3. CANADIAN PRIDE bzzzt

A/N: How long has it been? I don't know but I'm a lazy moron. Also rusty. Let's test it out, shall we? Enjoy the testicular jokes.

"Oh... Man... what happened?" The ground beneath my body was cold and wet, the air was rank and stale. My eyes slid open to observe my surroundings. Apparently, I had been kidnapped or something... and now I was in a dimly lit room... Room isn't even the right word. It was more like a chamber, with glass walls and vast spaces. Seaweed danced upon the edge of the glass, but there were no fish to be seen. My hand made it's way in front of me, feeling for some kind of support to help me on my feet. I grasped something stiff and cold. Rubbing my eyes, I sat up with a grunt. The thing I had grabbed was a human corpse... And my hand was on his nether regions.

"Oh GOD!" I leapt to my feet and swayed a little, dizzy from naseau. My hand flew to my mouth to suppress my puke, but I had forgotten that this was the hand I had groped the dead body with. I hacked up all there was in my stomach, cursing as I did so.

_"Jack! Have you come to?"_

"Obviously, Atlas! It's not some goddamn splicer out here barfing his balls off!" I replied angrily as I wiped the mix of chips and twinkies from my mouth.

_"Wait... Did you just say, 'barfing his balls off'? That doesn't even make sense. You just wanted to say 'balls'."_

"Don't judge me."

_"Whatever, you're just angry because you're spliced up."_

"What? What do you mean?"

_"That was a plasmid you just pumped into your system. Plasmids give you amazing new abilities. This one happen to be electroshock." _

"DUDE. Are you serious? That's insane!" I gazed at my hands, they didn't seem any different. A little skeptical, I walked towards a vita-chamber. I squeezed my head in between the wall and the glowing tube. Sure enough, there was a dead cat crammed where no one could find it... Except for a master-mind such as myself.

"HIYAAAA!" I made a super-hero like motion with my hands at the cat. At first, I felt nothing, but a few seconds passed, and soon I felt something tingling at the ends of my finger tips. A flash of lightning erupted from the palm of my hand, striking the cat and causing it to fly half-way across the room. "Holy crap!" I screamed in a manly, yet shrill voice. "That's bitchin' to the max! CANADIAN PRIDE MOFO!" I thrust my fists into the air, proud to be a dedicated fan of Kids in the Hall.

_"Okay, okay, you've seen it. Now stop acting like a socially awkward high schooler and get out of here."_

"Hold on, hold on, I wanna find that cat first and beat it with my wrench. There's something so magical about that thing..."

_"Just go!"_

"Fine geeze!" I reluctantly shoved my hands into my pockets and stomped through the vault and into a glass tunnel.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o00o

After wandering around and zapping guys with my lightning hands, I stumbled upon a particular room. It didn't have any glass windows.... strange. I looked below, a few spotlight's were focused on a corpse. There was a little girl hovering over it.

"Oh man, I'm gonna zap this bitch." I snickered as I readied my hands.

_"Wait! Would you kindly lower that weapon for me?"_

My hands fell to my sides almost immediately. "What, what is it radio man! Why don't you want me to zap her!" I was slightly annoyed. For once MY EYES were on the easy target and Atlas was going to let it slip away. I heard a tired sigh over the radio.

_"It's a little sister..."_

A/N: I am so proud of myself.

Seriously second or third vita chamber, there's this freaky cat crammed behind it. And it's like a statue, but it's light like a doll, and it bleeds.

I always try to sit it upright. Heh.


End file.
